And They Cried Themselves to Sleep
by blueyed-angel
Summary: What happens when an old DADA teacher returns to Hogwarts? Will she touch Snape's heart? Read on!! A thousand galleons to all my gracious reviewers. ***Chapter Four is up! YAY!!***
1. And they Cried

And They Cried Themselves to Sleep  
  
                                ~~~~~  
  
                              Foreword:  
  
This story takes place two years before Harry Potter entered Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  The Ms. Victoria Clausen in which this story concerns left Hogwarts soon after this event unfolded.  
  
                               ~~~~~  
  
She was the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.  At first, Severus Snape hated her.  He had long been vying for that job at Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, but had been forced to lie in wait as the Potions Master.  
  
However, upon meeting Ms. Victoria Clausen, Snape's views changed.  At a faculty meeting discussing the idea of starting a class on Experimental Spells, he was stunned by her intellect and subtle wit.  Hogwarts had never had a professor whose adroitness in magic impressed him so much.  Even more intriguing to him was that her prowess was matched by ethereal beauty.  
  
At first he tried to deny the emotions that stirred within the deepest recesses of his heart.  He ignored them the way he ignored anything that got too close.  Severus Snape in love?  The very thought was laughable.  But he would find himself slipping off into thoughts of her as he sat in his dungeons day after day.  After all, his job did get rather tedious.  Papers to read, spells in need of correction, unread homework, ignorance, laziness - the same old monotony.  Even the Slytherins had begun to agitate him with their incessant grousing.  The only solace he found was in allowing those little thoughts to enter his mind, though even this did little to appease him.  He had put up a façade of coldness for so long, who would want him now?  
  
One evening he stood in silence sorting out potion ingredients for the next day's class, when he heard a faint noise behind him.  Expecting another pesky student, he spun around wearing his usual dour expression.  When he saw it was Professor Clausen he straightened and smiled.  "Need anything, Professor?"  He asked politely.  
  
"Well, I feel rather silly asking you this, but I am in need of a potion that I cannot make.  I was never any good at them.  And who better to ask for help than the potions master himself?"  She returned his smile, and held out a spellbook.  
  
It was a simple enough concoction.  He walked to his cabinet to find the necessary ingredients.  He had plenty on the table before him, but he had to hide his burning face.  He could do this in his sleep, why were his hands shaking?  
  
As he stood, mixing the ingredients, Victoria watched him.  She had watched him all year.  She longed to know what was hiding under that somber, black- cloaked figure.  His hands mesmerized her, as if every motion was rehearsed.  But he would never need anyone.  He was too pertinacious, too shut off from the world.  He was as cold as the dungeons he taught in.  
  
He finished and handed her a goblet containing the frothy, purple mixture.  "You might want to take this with water," he said, "it has a habit of sticking in one's throat."  
  
Before Victoria knew what she was doing, she placed her hand over his as she took the goblet.  Their eyes locked, and a ripple of apprehension shot through her.  
  
Slowly, uncertainly, he placed the goblet down and pulled her trembling figure into his strong, secure hold.  She had never felt so safe with anyone.  
  
He looked down at her, and placed his finger under her chin.  "Severus, I…" she began but he put his finger to her lips.  "Shhh," he said softly.  She reached up and pulled him to her and claimed those untouched lips as her own.  At first they were stiff and unsure, but they warmed up as he gave in.  It was slow, unhurried, and completely genuine.  No pressure, just sweet acceptance.  
  
Severus couldn't understand what was happening to him.  But for the first time in as long as he could remember he allowed himself to act without thinking.  He never let his emotions go unrestrained, but the steel bars holding him in were shattered.  
  
When at long last they pulled apart, he held her in his arms and closed his eyes.  It was so right.  
  
He felt something wet in his eyes.  The dungeon blurred as tears threatened to spill over his sculpted cheeks.  Victoria sensed his tension and stepped away.  The sight that met her eyes when she looked up was not the regal Professor Severus Snape, but a decimated figure who needed to be loved as much as anyone.  He swayed, embarrassed to be seen in such a state.  
  
"Why, Severus?"  Her voice shattered the silence.  "Why won't you let anyone get close?"  For a moment she was afraid he would close up and never open again.  But he didn't.  "Because," he said quietly, "no one ever cared enough.  There are things in everyone's past that cause pain, and how you deal with it becomes who you are."  
  
It was now very obvious.  "Who hurt you?" she asked softly.  The pain in his eyes told her she had struck a nerve she hadn't looked for.  He could never tell her, it was evident without it being spoken.  
  
He glanced back at her, and was dazzled by her beauty.  The evening glow that spilled through the rafters of the room danced through her hair and played across her face.  
  
He stepped to her, and entwined his arms around her once more.  As she fitted into his embrace, memories of past loves floated through his mind like leaves falling from a tree in autumn's wind.  He ached to return to the past, rather than be stuck in an unforgiving present.  
  
He took one last look at her, savoring her touch.  After committing the scene to memory - knowing full well it would never be repeated - he finally slipped away.  "I can't," he said simply.  "It would never work.  I'm sorry."  He put his lips to her forehead, held them there, and backed away.  With one sweeping motion, he turned and walked down the nearby steps, rounded a corner, and was gone.  His strong footsteps faded as he was lost in the depths of the chambers that lay beneath the school.  
  
He could never have been hers, she thought bitterly.  He belonged to a ghost of the past whose place she would never fill.  The tenderness he had given her was gone, and the room felt devoid of life.  
  
There was nothing to be done.  She stepped out of the room and headed back to the main halls of the school.  Even though she was surrounded by laughter and cheer, she was cloaked in a shroud of solemnity.  
  
Professor Severus Snape was to be untouched forever.  And that night, two people at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry cried themselves to sleep. 


	2. The Return

Quick Notes: I do not own any of the characters except Victoria Clausen, but you can borrow her if you really want. (  
  
A huge, gargantuan thanks to every single one of my reviewers for the first part of the story. I love you all! It makes me want to write more! A big thanks to Snakecharmer for the wonderful ideas. Everyone go read her stories! They are the epitome of greatness!  
  
And now, the long awaited second chapter.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
This story continues as Harry is in his sixth year, it has been eight years since Severus and Victoria have seen each other.  
  
  
  
  
  
The Return  
  
Severus Snape tapped his fingers impatiently on the polished desktop in front of him. He glanced at the grandfather clock that sat ticking peacefully in the corner. Seven o'clock p.m. He got up and paced the thick carpet of his quarters. Peering through the thick cobwebs on the window near his bed, he could see ominous storm clouds gathering in the distance. A low rumble echoed across the threatening sky. The grounds were black, and the old cobblestone road that ran near the school was deserted.  
  
He sighed wearily. It was going to be a long night.  
  
* * * Victoria Clausen sat in an old taxi as it puttered down the bumpy road. "Amazing," she thought to herself, "the best school of witchcraft and wizardry in the country and they can't conjure up a better road?"  
  
Forked lightning stabbed the sky. She clutched her bag.  
  
"This is insane," she muttered. Earlier that week she had gotten an urgent owl from Professor Dumbledore asking her to return to Hogwarts, as their Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher had again left them. Term started in three days.  
  
She hadn't wanted to leave so suddenly. She owned a nice little cottage and had a job with the Ministry in the Dark Creature Control Department. But Dumbledore had pleaded and she broke down. How do you argue with the greatest wizard of all time?  
  
It had been eight years. Eight long years since she had been to Hogwarts. And for eight years she had fought to block that night out of her head. The pictures still flashed through her mind. Why had she even gone to see him anyway? Was she that deluded to believe that he would ever love her? Truth be told, she hadn't needed the potion he gave her. She had cursed herself for an excuse to approach him. Those painful words "I can't, it would never work" still haunted her.  
  
Before she had left she firmly convinced herself that Severus Snape was her colleague, and as a colleague she would treat him with respect. The little incident that had occurred was now a wisp of the past, and it was time to focus on the future.  
  
But why did it still disturb her? * * *  
  
OOH! Cliffhanger!! I'll post more this week, I promise.  
  
This story can go in any direction I want it to. Suggestions will be appreciated! You R/R my work, I R/R yours, and we all end up better writers. Joy!  
  
Thanks again to all my reviewers, you rock! 


	3. Getting Settled

Chapter 3 Getting Settled  
  
When the taxi arrived at the ruins that Hogwarts appeared to be in Muggle's eyes, Victoria got out. Dragging her suitcase out, she hastily paid the driver. He looked at her with questioning eyes, but said nothing. As she walked away she heard him mumble "Stark raving mad."  
  
Professor Dumbledore met her as she entered the main hall.  
  
"Lovely to see you again!" The twinkle in his eyes was refreshing. "I do appreciate your coming to get us out of such a quandary. Come, I'll take you to your old quarters. Tell me, how have you been?"  
  
They walked up the sweeping staircase, past pictures that watched her curiously. She could hear them whispering. "Great," she thought. "Even the paintings are gossiping about me."  
  
After a quick briefing covering new texts and curriculum (new materials on the living patterns of Red Caps), she was ready for bed. She slipped gratefully under the soft covers and fell into a deep sleep.  
  
* * *  
  
A single ray of sunshine sneaked through the curtains and rested on Victoria's pillow. She groaned inwardly, pulled herself out of bed, and dressed quickly. She would have to face Severus at the staff meeting today. How would he act? How would she act? Pushing the questions aside, she went downstairs.  
  
* * *  
  
No sunshine found its way to Snape's quarters. He made sure all the windows were sufficiently covered at all times, unless it was cloudy outside, he had always been so sensitive to the sun.  
  
Opening his wardrobe he was faced with a sea of black. He pulled out a neatly pressed black robe that was labeled "Friday." Not that it mattered which robe he wore, they were all the same, but it gave him a sense of order.  
  
He had slept fitfully. As he strode up to the Great Hall for breakfast, he caught sight of a familiar brunette head. His insides coiled. So it was true. She had returned.  
  
Victoria seated herself as far away from Snape's place as humanly possible. She saw in her peripheral vision a black-cloaked figure sweep into the room, glance in her general direction, and sit. It was going to be an awkward year. It was a good thing Snape was so misanthropic or she would have gone mad.  
  
They both ate quickly. Or at least, Victoria ate. Snape poked at his food irritably.  
  
With such limited time to prepare her lessons, she didn't know when she'd get another chance to eat, and she was ravenous. Finishing, she strode briskly to her classroom.  
  
If she had eyes on the back of her head, Victoria would have seen an unhappy gaze follow her.  
  
* * *  
  
Yes, I know it is slow going, but I had to bridge the gap! It'll pick up.  
  
A note to Bystander: Yes I realize that he gave in to his desires quickly. The first chapter was intended to be a small ficlet, and I never dreamed of continuing this story. I wrote it at a slumber party and we all wrote fanfics just for the heck of it, I decided to post mine.  
  
******Everyone go read Snakecharmer's Snapefics, they are very good!******  
  
See the pretty button down there? Push it...push it... 


	4. Of Potions Incidents and Thoughts

Of Potions Incidents and Thoughts  
  
  
  
The boiling cauldron threatened to spill its contents. Neville frantically tried to freeze the flames, but tripped over the words "Frigatorium Polasti", and the temperature reached the breaking point - the cauldron exploded and Sanatio Solution sprayed all over the caliginous dungeon.  
  
"LONGBOTTOM!!! You hopeless, abysmally ignorant boy! Will you ever learn that if you leave a Self Heating Fire burning longer than three minutes, the Frigatorium charm is useless!?" Professor Snape punctuated the end of his tirade by slamming a potions volume on his desk.  
  
Neville stuttered. Luckily the bell rang and the class sprinted from the room before they could incur any more wrath from Snape; and the tremulous Neville was left to wipe Sanatio Solution and leftover leech spleens from the dungeon floor.  
  
"Slimy git," muttered Ron as he, Harry, and Hermione walked quickly upstairs. Neither Harry nor Hermione responded to the comment - Ron repeated it after every Potions lesson.  
  
After Neville had scurried from the classroom, Snape strode into his private chambers. "Veniebam" he snarled, and the bookcase immediately jumped aside long enough for the Potions Master to pass through, then slid back into place.  
  
Snape whipped out his wand, pointed it at the fireplace - "Accendite" - and a roaring flame lit the entire room. Snape sunk into the nearest chair and rubbed his temples.  
  
Oh how he loathed students at times! Snape didn't mind when they were ignorant, that was why he taught them. But when they chose to be ignorant, now that was entirely another matter. Longbottom let his fears triumph over his intellect, desist all efforts, and rely on the mumbled instructions of others.  
  
Severus tried to calm himself, his nerves had been fraying lately. He felt like a rubber band that some cruel hand kept stretching tighter and tighter, and one of these days he was bound to snap.  
  
Victoria's presence did not ameliorate the situation. Every glimpse he caught of her reminded him of that day, the day he failed to contain his emotion. In a moment of weakness he had given in to desire. He cursed himself for it. Had all those years of spying on Voldemort taught him nothing about letting his emotions get the better of him? What would happen if he permitted his true feelings to break free when he answered a call of the Dark Mark? Severus could not afford to let his guard down for a moment, under any circumstances. If he could not enclose his emotion in ordinary situations, how did he expect to under an Imperius or Cruciatus? This was why he appeared so cold and misanthropic to the outside world. He was well aware the opinions his students and his colleagues held of him. No one, save perhaps Dumbledore, understood that he must lock all passions inside at all times - or expose himself to the dark side. Voldemort was keenly aware of the actions his servants took. One small slip and he would be on the receiving end of Avada Kedavra. Voldemort's monitoring obliged him to treat the Slytherins the way he did. So many times he would have loved to squash Malfoy Junior like a despicable insect, but he restrained himself.  
  
Snape had chosen to fight with Dumbledore, and thus was forced to accept the lonely life that came with it. He was cursed with solitude.  
  
In his most private moments, Severus longed to be with the woman who loved him despite his frigid exterior. But when he told her it would never work, he meant it. His cover would be unraveled, bringing destruction upon both him and Victoria. This was how he had chosen to lead his life, and he must accept it. Victoria would have to take her place among the rest who once loved him, but could not have the sentiment returned. To love would be the end of him. That could not happen. It must not happen.  
  
Glancing at the clock, Snape realized he was due to teach the first years Healing Potions in five minutes. Drawing in a slow, even breath he collected himself. He must maintain his composure so as not to lose his temper at the blundering juveniles and cast an Unforgivable.  
  
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A/N: Thanks to Wolf Angel Keri and Psycho Kitty Purra for the kind reviews! Kitty you made me laugh :) .  
  
I hope you enjoyed this chapter, it is my opinion of why Snape acts the way he does.  
  
"Imperio!" You will review..you will review..(Hee hee, please don't put me in Azkaban for casting an Imperius!) 


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